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Paddy O'Furnijur
Editor
Paddy O'Furnijur(@jwmorgan)
7 years ago

Good morning firsties, Gerbil Nation!
I hope y’all are having a great day, ‘cuz you just know Jerry is!

Fatwa Arbuckle: Misanthropologist
Editor
7 years ago

Hai, Paddy!

Have we reached “peak clown”??: National clown shortage may be approaching!!!

Seltzer bottle and squirting boutonniere manufacturers hardest hit!

“What’s happening is attrition,” said Clowns of America International President Glen Kohlberger, who added that membership at the Florida-based organization has plummeted since 2006. “The older clowns are passing away.”

The article doesn’t mention if that’s from natural causes or for some other reason such as a (perfectly understandable and justifiable) War on Clowns.

He said he wouldn’t release specific numbers, citing the privacy of the members.

There’s something funny about that excuse.

“What happens is they go on to high school and college and clowning isn’t cool anymore,” he said.

*Game show warning buzzer*

Clowning was never “cool”.

“Clowning is then put on the back burner until their late 40s and early 50s.”

That’s your problem right there…clowning should be put in a burlap sack inside of a locked and weighted trunk, encased in a block of cement and dumped in the Mariana Trench.

This crisis probably needs a government bailout, H-1B visa and/or “guest clown” program.

Paddy O'Furnijur
Editor
Paddy O'Furnijur(@jwmorgan)
7 years ago

“Clowning is then put on the back burner until their late 40s and early 50s.”

…when it’s once again cool to be a pedophile.

Fatwa Arbuckle: Misanthropologist
Editor
7 years ago

I vividly recall the Ritual Clown Abuse epidemic of the ’90s.

“Timmy, show us on the doll where the clown seltzered you.”

BrendaK
Admin
BrendaK(@brendak)
7 years ago

H-1b clown imports? But what if the mimes then call for equal consideration? We can’t take that kind of chance…because mimes are a crime against nature. My faith is absolutely clear on that issue.


Also No.

Fatwa Arbuckle: Misanthropologist
Editor
7 years ago

It occurs to me there may be good reason that mimes traditionally wear horizontal black and white stripes similar to old-fashioned prison garb.

Convicted mimes should be sentenced to chain gangs (with imaginary chains) where they use imaginary sledge hammers to break-up real rocks all day. And when they don’t give the boss a “good day’s work” (which would be every day, owing to the imaginary sledge hammers), they get put in solitary in the invisible glass “hot box”.

BrendaK
Admin
BrendaK(@brendak)
7 years ago

Or we could just shoot the mimes on sight. I vote for shooting on sight — who’s with me?!

Fatwa Arbuckle: Misanthropologist
Editor
7 years ago
Reply to  BrendaK

That seems a trifle unsporting; how hard is it to shoot someone who’s running in-place?

OTOH, unicorns aren’t known for being cooperative; shame, that.

Fatwa Arbuckle: Misanthropologist
Editor
7 years ago

Och!

Sven 2-0
Editor
Sven 2-0(@sven)
7 years ago

I have more sympathy for clowns ever since that one rodeo clown was dragged through the mud for mocking Obama.

Fatwa Arbuckle: Misanthropologist
Editor
7 years ago
Reply to  Sven 2-0

Yeah…that guy got teh “Joe the Plumber” treatment big time.

I must give rodeo clowns credit for being the only ones of their ilk who perform a useful -- and dangerous -- job. One which doesn’t involve balloon animals, bicycle horns or seltzer…and that gives them a certain, if relative, gravitas.

Sure, “low bar”. Because clowns.

Nevertheless…